The Paroxysm Soliloquy (Part 2)

“Hey, I’m not the smartest guy in the world, but I’m certainly not the dumbest. I mean, I’ve read books like The Unbearable Lightness of Being and Love in the Time of Cholera, and I think I’ve understood them. They’re about girls, right? Just kidding. But I have to say my all-time favorite book is Johnny Cash’s autobiography, Cash by Johnny Cash.”
– John Cusack as Rob Gordon (High Fidelity, 2000)


I.As I promised, I will divulge my so-called thought process while walking back from the pub to the house that we guys had rented. This will, of course and once again, allow my writing to be a bit more personal. This, being my nonfiction blog, is honest and optimistic. Sure, I can try to be optimistic, but that would only be a show, and it is essentially illustrating my not being truthful.I did read Love in the Time of Cholera. It was your typical love story, and nothing all that special in my opinion.

However, I would seem a bit duplicitous in shunning the story while I promote a hopeless romantic persona. It’s a love story, however, and that’s simply that. Sure, Florentino’s love for Fermina is love in its most purest…

Bullshit.

Let’s face it folks, we’re not living in a movie. We’re not living in a novel. We’re living in reality, dealing with nonsense and bologna on a daily basis. You’re going to fight, you’re going to yell and maybe toss things, and maybe you’re not going to love someone 100 percent of the time. It happens. However, at the end of the day, you’re going to have to look that other person in the face and admit to them and yourself that you are in love. If you cannot face that person and if you cannot look yourself in the mirror, admitting aloud that you love your partner, whoever they may be regardless of race and religion and gender, you’re not living up to your so-called desired expectations.

Live your life as yourself, not as some fictitious character.

II.

Yes, we go through it all: the good, the bad, and the ugly. Yet, communication is a two-way street, and it takes efforts on both sides to make a relationship work. Blah, blah, blah. Yes, I know you already know this. It’s in your best interest to be honest before things get worse, and the shit hits the fan.

But how do you determine whether or not that person sitting across from you at dinner, the one holding your hand as you walk down the street, the one whose moonlit hued eyes staring back at you from the head upon the other pillow is the one? You don’t. It’s a chance you have to take.

Yes, I encourage you to follow your gut. Obviously, if you are unsure, you have the right to question. If you don’t question, holding the anxieties inside of you, the situation will only get worse. Look at the characters in The Scarlet Letter; holding feelings and truth inside will only kill you. Granted, I am not one to promote adultery, but I am simply making a statement that questions–when asked pertinently–cannot make a situation worse.

Tone, also, plays a big part in this.

III.

I questioned whether or not I am ready for marriage, and whether I am destined to be single. Let’s just get down to brass tacks.

I figured maybe I missed something, or someone. Was there an exit I should have taken? Was there a set of eyes I did not meet? When a so-called God closes a door, does that being really open a window?

Realizing the deemed “The Princess Room” I was staying in was actually a boy’s room, a boy named Jack, it kind of stood out for me as a sign. The kid’s name is Jack, and I really love that name. It will be my future son’s name, and it is the name of the main character in my rom/dram/com novel. My mindset pulled a complete 180 degree turn. It was mystical.

Surreal is used much to often, and the word has lost its appeal to me.

It was, also, reassuring that I wasn’t in a girl’s room.  I would have gotten more hell for that:  sleeping in a princess room and upon a princess-sized matress. How darling!

As I have realized, I should be paying more attention to these signs, because these tidbits of foreshadowing were meaningful in retrospect. Sometimes these signs are obvious: the girl in question has a flighty personality. Sometimes you go on a series of initial dates and have interactions that are seemingly too good to be true: fireworks across the water during dinner. As it turns out, the relationship was in fact too good to be true. Other times they are messages on T-shirts telling a certain person to run, and then the message is jokingly reiterated by another individual, asking the present group of individuals if this is a sign.

Yep, you bet.

However, nothing is ever one-sided. If you truly think that you are perfect and the other person is to blame for everything: you’re an asshole. However, everyone has a bit of that in them. You cannot have one without the other. There are two sides to a relationship, and I am sorry to break it to you. If the relationship extends to the two/three-year period, and things suddenly turn sour, something is brewing and the result does not just stem from the other person.

I have come to recognize my faults, and the next steps are working on them and subduing them. These personality quirks: everyone has them. You cannot get rid of these quirks, because they are part of who you are. You can quit smoking, but you cannot quit who you are. If you quit who you are, you’re allowing yourself to accept misery for the rest of your life. That brings up another quick point: confidence is key.

I was speaking to one of my roommates the other day about coincidences, how they are funny little happenings in life to keep you going. It’s all reassuring. However, maybe these coincidences should be taken into consideration and a bit more seriously. If this is true, then I may have truly missed my window of opportunity. However, I don’t think I have. My gut says no, and I feel, frankly, that my gut doesn’t have shit for brains.

Frankly, if I keep down this current path I am currently on, I know I will be utterly happy.


IV.

What determines the love at first sight? Is it a bunch of nonsense–that phrase love at first sight— to keep us hopeful and everlasting? Is it… or should I say was it?

Was it that encounter in the train station? Was it the encounter at the news stand? Could it have been the smirking individual next do you at a comedy club? Could it have been the person next to you in line at the coffee shop? Would it have been that girl with the dirty blond hair, sitting across the room from you in class, the sun shining through the window creating a haze of a halo around her person as she sips coffee and takes notes? Would it have been that guy who helped you pick up clothes off the ground after the laundry bag rips?

Could it have been that person, who you discover is now engaged? Your only option is to kick yourself for not acting upon it sooner. Your gut kicks in, telling you they could have been The One?  Do you continue to pursue them, or will that put you on a restraining order?  Hence, this can only happen successfully in literature and cinema. Obviously, if that person who was supposedly The One is happily with someone else, obviously this isn’t in the cards.

Or is your gut simply telling you that you’re hungry? Do you have to poop?

V.

My gut is churning positively lately.

VI.

It took me a while to pinpoint it, but I can comfortably say that I am looking for captivating. I am looking for someone whose glare resonates. I want to be able to converse about nothing, and even talk about nothing. There will be some little fine detail that we come across, and we have the ability to turn that pin prick of a subject into a full blown conversation, and then we can comfortably joke about it, referencing it later as some inside joke which really isn’t an inside joke.

The simple texts, a hello or a good morning to start the day and a short goodnight to end it, which keeps the hamster running on the wheel of optimism. It’s the phone call, interrupting a string of texts due to the tediousness of having to type on phone, which levels the individuals. We should be speaking, not texting, and I am going to stick to that statement.

It’s the willingness that trying new things, even if one person of the couple has more experience in whatever that activity or preference may be. The stressing of trying new things simply because it’s new is a reassuring quality.

The ability to be oneself, because you feel that the other person brings the best out of you. You are confident to put your best foot forward.

You’re simply captivated, and it seems that there is no one else in the room aside the person you are with. You simply feel good in their presence.

You want to have that perfect first kiss, basking in the moonlight. You want breath to be taken away to the point where your chest hurts. You want to dip them, and pray you don’t drop them.

There is nothing wrong with that.

VII.

It’s that classic movie romance that has been lost throughout the years being revived in your own personal snow globe of a life.


VIII.

I don’t care what I said before about the disillusion of living your life as a character in a movie or novel.  Choose so?  Do so.

IX.

I never told you to listen to me to begin with. I am not an expert.  I just like messing with you.

I will never be an expert.

Everyday is a learning experience.

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