My Elusive Blog Tour

I.
I woke up a little later than usual today, and as I got out of bed to turn off my alarm–this was after five snooze hits–I received a text from a close friend of mine, Becky in Brooklyn, giving me a simple suggestion.
Becky:  “You should go on a blog tour.”
Me:  “Say whaaaat”
Becky:  “Like authors go on book tours, you can do a blog tour.  See the man behind it all.”
Me:  “Haha. Not a bad idea. It will hVe people scratching their heads.”
That last spelling error is true.  I don’t know how the T9 screwed that one up, but I managed to let it slip.  For all of you wondering, I intended to type the word have.  Yes, I did say T9, because I still have an LG POS 5000 “dumb phone.”   <— air quotes
My blog tour would consist of me going to various privately-owned coffee shops around the world, and I would sit at my computer while I talk to individuals about who I am, my blogs, and what my actual purpose is in life.  I am through with Starbucks and their burnt coffee, and Dunkin’ puts way too much cream and sugar into their brews and don’t understand when I say words half the amount.  I am going to stay true to my advocating for the locally owned and operated coffee and tea joints. 
I would sit at a circular table–I prefer circles over squares–by myself as I would wait for people to approach me.  I’d have a sign with my name, my title as a blogger, and a bold arrow pointing to me.  This is in case people are confused, but will–in essence–confuse people even more.  People will come over, timidly, and would ask me questions: 
Q:  Who are you?
A:  I’m Chris Malone.
Q:  What is it that you do?
A:  I’m a blogger… I think.
Q:  What is it that you write about?
A:  I have two blogs.  Which one do you want to talk about?
Q:  It doesn’t matter. I’ve never heard of you.
A:  I’m not surprised.  One blog is a life-inspired blog, a bastardization between Doogie Howser and Carrie Bradshaw.  The other one is fiction.  I have only posted one short story, and the rest is poetry. 
Q:  Is it any good?
A:  How the hell should I know?
Q:  I read your blog.  It’s kind of vague and general.  You have tendency to ramble.  Are you ever going to get specific?
A:  I know all of this already, but there is specificity if you actually read it.  I do have tendency to ramble, but diving into specifics would make the posts much longer and almost intolerable to read.
Q:  You’re writing novels?
A:  Yes, I am trying to. 
Q:  What are they about?
A:  You obviously did not read my blog.  Secondly, this is a Blog Tour, not a book tour.  We’re not in a library, but we’re in a coffee shop.  Those people over there [pointing finger], they are writing up blogs as we speak. We’re essentially wearing the T-shirt of the band we’re seeing. 
Those would probably be some of the questions I would be asked.  I would most likely respond in the same smart ass fashion.
II.
The Elusive Blog Tour, or EBT, would catch on, and it will take me to new heights.  In every city, I would have the opportunity to blog about the people, places, and food in similar fashion to my hero, Anthony Bourdain.  However, I am not as articulate or cool as he is. The EBT’s popularity would get me interviews on a variety of networks, but I would probably be most excited for Morning Joe or Good Morning, America.  They all seem like a fun bunch to hang out with in the morning.  Not too many people are “morning people” (<— more air quotes), so it would be nice to have that extra push of positivity.
Plus, everyone enjoys a dose of videos with silly antics of dogs and cats. 
Let’s not leave out stupid human tricks.

Q:  So, you’re just a blogger?
A:  Yeah, I guess so.  I can tell by the look on your face that you’re a bit repulsed by the lack of purpose stemming from my so-called job.  I am just as repulsed as you are.

Q:  What is it that you write about?
A:  I have two blogs.  Which one do you want to talk about?
Q:  It doesn’t matter. We’ve never heard of you until recently.
A:  Didn’t you ask me this in a coffee shop not too long ago?  I’m not surprised.  One blog is a life-inspired blog, a bastardization between Doogie Howser and Carrie Bradshaw.  The other one is fiction.  I have only posted one short story, and the rest is poetry. 
Q:  Is it any good?
A:  How the hell should I know? 
Q:  How did you get into blogging?
A:  I heard about the whole LiveJournal thing in high school; however, I signed up for DeadJournal.  I thought the online journal thing was pretty cool concept.  As time went on, I reconsidered and switched over to LiveJournal.  Now, I’m on Blogger, which has been the most convenient out of all of my blogs.
Q:  Why so many switches?
A:  I don’t know. 
[awkward pause]
Q:  Do you read or reference anything you have written in the past?
A:  No.  The blogs have been erased, I think, and or have disintegrated into the online ether.

Q:  So, its understood that you write quite often.
A:  Yeah, it’s time consuming, but I love it.

Q:  Does it interfere with your personal life?
A:  Not really… [raises and eyebrow, looks to the side] I do things.

Q:  Things?
A:  Read, hike, run, and play recreational sports throughout the seasons.

Q:  Sounds like you have a full schedule.  Are you seeing any one?
A:  Single.  However, can I say a random celebrity’s name to kick the Rumor Mill into gear? 

Q:  Um, sure?
A:  Zooey Deschanel. We’re getting pretty serious.

Q:  So, are you a fan of her show?
A:  No.  I don’t watch it, actually.  I find it as a conflict of interest.  It’s the same reason she doesn’t read my work.  I’m not here to talk about her though.  Can we get back on topic?

Q:  You’re a bit of a loser.
A:  That’s not a question.  At least I don’t live in my parents’ basement.

[awkward pause]

Q:  You’re writing novels?
A:  Yes, I am trying to. 
Q:  What are they about?
A:  You obviously did not read my blog.  Secondly, this is a Blog Tour, not a book tour. 

Okay, you can obviously see where this is going. 

III.

I’m allowed to be a dreamer, and everyone else shares that right.  It would be great to have the opportunity to travel, blog, and even talk in front of groups about the process.  Like I stated before, Anthony Bourdain is better than me, and he forever will be. Every post is a learning experience, because I’m not getting into the funk of brain farts or running out of things to write about.  I don’t have to post daily, and I can post fiction to break up the redundancy, exposing the other blog to a higher level.

I would love to answer the question of “What did you do today?” with a response similar to:

Oh, I worked on the pilot of this new television comedy/drama/dromedy.  I had a hard time finding dialogue and action for this one scene, so I ran a handful of miles before coming up with an idea.  I went to the grocery store after writing my thoughts down, and got the week’s shopping done. I thought of an idea while I was in the produce section, picking out peppers, regarding a scene in my third novel:  she doesn’t remember cheating, because she was abducted by aliens.  Aside that, do alien probes really count?

Yadda. Yadda. Yadda.

I would never write about aliens, or science fiction for that matter.  I threw that last line in there to be odd.  Since we’re on the topic, I think I am going to watch Prometheus

One thought on “My Elusive Blog Tour

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