Visible (Part Two)

On May 18, Michael John Heagerty and I sat on the steps CNY Jazz Central’s theatre, and we played a game of catch-up; it was a couple (maybe more) weeks of not seeing each other. At one point he made a note of my efforts to be more picture heavy social media platform Instagram.

“You’re in love,” he said.

I chuckled and rolled my eyes at this.

“Do you know why?” he asked. Do you know how I know? It’s black and white.”

~

The moment in time was steadily nearing the first year anniversary of a first date for the long distance relationship with someone in Rochester. We tried. It didn’t work out. And a week after the jazz venue locally focused collaboration, a call was received with the obvious: “This isn’t working out.”

I agreed, but with tripping over my words while trying to rationalize what was happening. It’s true that things weren’t falling into place, but for some people it’s difficult to just up and move to another city when things are going well. When things are going well, it’s difficult to voluntarily and immediately move to a place to start over.

But we weren’t in love. I cannot speak for her, but I wasn’t a hundred percent there yet. Ergo, we as a whole weren’t at the point, or in agreement to it. I was on track, but it wasn’t happening fast enough. It was uncertain which one of us was dragging our feet more.

I’ll raise my hand and own responsibility. The unconscious resistance isn’t justified, but, like anything, there’s always at least one reason behind it.

~

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Sunset? What sunset? | Photo by Christopher Malone

The gallery of photographs — let it be known I do not consider myself a photographer, because the photos are taken with my iPhone 6 — are mainly black and white. And so I have yet to get a decent camera. When I do and if recognition comes with the effort, I’ll call myself a photographer.

In my opinion, the photos shouldn’t have to be if they don’t want to be in color. Even sunsets. Black and white photos have “less distraction” at times. There is as much vibrancy and as many apparent details.

I’m not going to be shy about saying that I love the direction I’m taking with my Instagram account.It’s now almost an obsession with trying to capture all the moments and confine them to squares, or “Gram Crackers.” The app is being treated as a visual blog, focusing more on aesthetic storytelling rather than wordage. I’m taking the time with photos, adjusting the contrast, brightness, shadows and more to get the photos to their final product.

Except, sometimes, there is the problem where using the app feels like an escape from reality.

~

In part, yes, Heagerty was being literal with the black and white comment. Clearly, his quote has been on my mind for about three months now. It’ll stick with me after this is written. However, it’s also apparent he was picking up on a pattern I thought wasn’t obvious to people. Unless I’m failing to conceal these tells, I try not to make offspring of the mind and heart seem as blatant — a good and bad habit to have.

Heagerty has known and read me long enough to pick up on my quirks. However, save the past interactions where people have pointed out my wearing a heart on a sleeve.

Maybe all of this is why I got that relationship mercy kill call.

~

Let’s segue to something first literary, then film and also John Cusack-inspired: Was I in love with capturing moments as black-and-white pictures? Or was it because I was in love that I’ve been capturing moments as black-and-white pictures?

~

Source: Letterfolk (Facebook page)

Source: Letterfolk (Facebook page)

The effort to be more cognizant — mindful — of my surroundings is continually difficult. I’d like to be where I once was, and I cannot understand why it’s so difficult getting — or allowing? — myself back to where I was. I’m on track, however.

There is a lot to love in Central New York. The architecture or nature in cities and towns that may be “hidden” exhibit classic charm. The restaurants and nightlife are vast, exiting and even quaint at the same time Having a new nephew/godson also helps with acknowledging blatant love. Getting out and interacting with friends and new faces is always and eagerly anticipated. Falling headfirst into another relationship, too, has its joyous perks, albeit at times it exudes confusion and frustration.

~

Let’s segue to something first literary, then film and also Tim Burton-related: “There’s a time when a man needs to fight, and a time when he needs to accept that his destiny is lost… the ship has sailed and only a fool would continue. Truth is… I’ve always been a fool.”

~

It’s strange that acknowledging the negatives does bring out the positives, which are proven as being taken for granted. What we have to be thankful for is accidentally dismissed. This doesn’t solely pertain to relationships, but everything.

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