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Breaking the Ice

A post about unemployment was started, but the kibosh was put on it. There was nothing interesting about writing about applying for jobs, a couple writing and a couple digital marketing jobs. After mapping out the words that are to follow, a good segue was made, but I’ll save that for a Kinani Blue post.

Last night, there was an attempt to call me out on being insincere and not truthful regarding my shyness. I’m told that “I’m not shy,” because I perform improv. I’m not shy,” because I talk to a lot of people. My longevity with jobs was complimented, saying that I’m dedicated even though I thoroughly didn’t like a certain position, and because of that I stuck it out and tried to do well.

But I don’t have a job, and I get anxious before interviews. I don’t have a girlfriend, because the timidness and awkwardness sweat out of me; and women do have teeth, and so they will bite. I don’t have my dream job, because there is some self esteem issues that get in the way. And since money is such an issue, it does hinder moving to a larger environment without a secure job.

And I stared at this person. I just stared. I wanted to chuckle, because she was confident that she had me pegged; she didn’t. She presumed me to be a certain type. I asked her why I was on an internet dating site. She couldn’t answer it, or maybe she didn’t answer it since it sounded rhetorical.

While I was grabbing a beer with this friendly face, who currently is simply an acquaintance on friendly terms, an OkCupid match walked into the room. She looked at me, pulling a double-take and recognizing me from the website. That was clearly obvious. But this was after I saw a girl I previously dated months ago. I shielded my face to protect my person from being seen; the angle I was at helped as well. Even though I wasn’t on a date, I didn’t want her to see me with another woman.

The brunette, although we dated briefly about a month and a half, was probably one of the prettiest I’ve dated. Amazing kisser; and there was such a breathtaking passion when our lips touched. Sometimes I’d have to pull away to catch my breath, but even having my hand on the side of her face during that pause was just as electrical.

She and I met at a bar, during a networking event. I saw her, and her beauty struck a chord. Our eyes locked, and I knew she wanted to talk to me as well. We did. Aside our differences, we got along well. Introducing her to everyone came without hesitation. Her questioning me about some female friends made me hesitate sometimes, referencing my last serious relationship, but it wasn’t a biggie. She was not like that girlfriend of mine; I don’t think anyone could be that domineering.

But I didn’t talk to her immediately. I actually crossed my fingers with hope that she’d sit down at our table. She made her way over and sat down. And that’s how it started.

I’m on OkCupid. (Yes, this is redundant information.) In the words of Tom Cruise/Jerry Maguire: “You had me at hello.” Although this marks the first and last time I will ever quote Tom Cruise, this is the ideal situation. We want that first connection to be a defining moment. It may not be the defining moment, but it has to be a defining moment that will resonate through the rest of the relationship. Aside from the person-to-person interaction, the online dating world does not allow this to happen.

Some messages say, “Hi.” Some messages take one aspect of my profile, and it’s expanded upon. Some messages don’t even begin with hello. Some messages are simply absurd. This leaves me wanting to make contact and connections less. For the first time, I responded to someone the other day after they only said hello with a wink emoticon (not emoji). I responded and asked how they were. Nothing as a reply back.

Are these profiles bots? Are they made up? I’ve seen the green dot indicators, letting everyone know they are online. This only makes online dating more uninviting and more unappealing. There is reluctance to make an effort. By I still try for some reason, but it’s feeble.

Why? Because the whole real-life confidence has grown because of it.

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Second Opinions

Last night, I ended up meeting up with a friend for a low-key evening. After a week of hustling around, sitting around for a low key evening was pretty necessary to experience. The following morning, today, was to be filled with improv from 10 AM to 3 PM, and the latter three hours were dedicated to a musical workshop through our Syracuse Improv Collective. She would later poke at me about not participating in the workshop, because I’m not one for singing.

However, she did call me out on bailing, because we definitely sang a few times in past improv classes. This workshop of musical improv is also not karaoke, which you all should know my fear of that by now; amateurish singing always does that to me. However, attending the class and watching for a little bit, this calmed my fear toward that type outing. I’m willing to give karaoke-related or infused events an acceptable “college try.” However, considering I belt out tunes when no one is watching kind of makes me a singing hypocrite.

I should have given the workshop a try.

But I digress. My travels took me to Skaneateles, which was decorated to nth degree for the December holiday season, not the November, like everywhere else. Alexis and my relationship truly defines the men-and-women-can-be-just-friends debate in positive favor. We have a great understanding of the friendship, and we have a blast. And it’s important for both of our future partners to realize and understand that this is a person that we are going to be friends with for a long time and no matter where we end up.

We’re both in our 30′s. We’re both creative minds. We’re both intelligent people, well-traveled and cultured. And we have learned a lot from each other; I definitely can say that I have learned a lot from her. And we love to vent to each other about the American Central New York Follies of Dating. We give each other insight into what each of our genders are saying, thinking, doing.

What she isn’t accustomed to is the concept of OkCupid, and the world of online dating, which I don’t quite fully understand, but I enlightened her and allowed her to peruse around on the app later in the night.

First, we dealt with the frustration of the hoity-toity blonde woman, who got snippy with us. She was sitting at an adjacent table we were eyeballing, but she kept her clutch and scarf on one of the stools of the other high top. We took the high top, considering it was the only table left in The Blue Goose. As we took our seats, Alexis had to take the seat with the woman’s stuff, because we wanted to face out toward the window and not the corner of two walls.

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Photo by A. P.

This only makes sense, looking for a view and not a blank wall, right? Well, the woman gave us — well, mostly Alexis — the stink eye the rest of the evening. Sorry for disturbing your clutch’s evening, ma’am, but inanimate objects don’t get a seat of their own around here.

The OkCupid came up, and I essentially showed her what it was all about. We went through matches, and we checked out profiles. I took her through the “Quickmatch” option, where people can do a quick browse and scope out the pictures and brief summary of potentials in the area. The first picture that popped up caught my eye, and she quickly agreed; after checking out the summary she wrote, her picture was swiped to the “Like.” Unfortunately, it could not be found today; so much for messaging her.

And she took a browse through the questions section, learning more about me than she ever imagined. She got few good laughs in and several eye opening aspects about her friend. (Some things she did not expect.)

But Alexis and I spoke of true connections: the moments of looking someone in the eyes, the sensation of touching someone (not in an overly sexual way, but the actual hand grazing a face before a kiss and shoulder touching and hugging), the gratification or disgust of kissing another person. All of these adds up to a physical and emotional attraction that cannot be dismissed. We spoke of astrological signs — we believe in this — and our matches and mismatches. And we talked about how our daily habits and interests should play a role in sifting out the better matches from the less qualified.

We all have our roles, and this includes the masculine and feminine. Men and women employ each other’s qualities, and some embody the qualities more than others. It reflects who we are, who we are looking for, and what level of a playing field that we look for and expect and should pair up with. It’s quite more in depth than what this scribbling is about, but this is only to show the top of the mound of this monstrosity of love, something we can’t fully understand. At least we have each other’s backs … as friends.

We also couldn’t understand why our selfies last night were not coming out as good as they normally do.

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Horror Scope

So there isn’t much to report, but this lovely horoscope is scary on target. So, yes, I am a Pisces. This is a little more insight into my life, otherwise and especially present …

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Coffee Cups

See those coffee cups above?

Yeah. That explains this week, and it especially defines the last couple days:

Working. Driving around. Excessive coffee drinking. Not consuming the end of the coffee in cups. It’s an actual metaphor. There is such a thing as too much coffee. Trying to stay awake and dreaming and paying attention.

Hell, I wanted tea today, but I still I ordered coffee. I didn’t drag out my words to save my mistake. I didn’t say “cofffffffff-tea.”

Therefore, this explains this post at 11 PM — the posting time is simply emphasis.

I can’t wait to sleep. I can’t wait to dress up again tomorrow. These two statements: truths.

And if you want more to read, go here: Syr-a-cuse Neeeeew Tiiiiimes.

I’m tired.

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Try Honesty

So, my last post at Syracuse New TImes was taken with offence. It’s not a bad thing, but it’s not a good thing. I have a heart and a conscience, but at the same time the writing is necessary to be honest. Some of the things that come out on the page come out dickish, which is the eye of the reader. But chronicling and voicing my opinion about something, whatever it may be, is necessary. It’s what I want to aim for and be consistent with.

I wrote a review about a cafe last week, and someone accused me of being a friend to the owner. I’m not, but there was a desire to try it. It wasn’t the best food, but it definitely was not the worst. I respect everyone’s opinion, and I appreciate a well-constructed one than one blasting a venue. Riddling the comment with abrasiveness and cursing is also a turnoff. This comment was not, but there are some that slip through occasionally.

Cursing happens in my posts for emphasis, and because I like to curse (let’s be honest here). But the cursing does not dominate the content, because there is “too much swearing” — it’s ignorant sounding.

Writing is something to be continually worked on. It’s important to develop your voice. It’s important to try out new voices. None of this is new to anyone (who writes).

But when it comes to relationships, honesty is also key. With my writing, blogging: Non-fiction helps me keep my life an open book. Names will not be dropped in negative light, Also, at the beginning of relationships, especially in the world of online dating, it’s important to take your dates seriously and still keep an open mind about it. You’re talking to a none to a few other people, but you’re still keeping your eyes open for other possibilities. Just because a person is online dating, it does not mean they have to stick to the online world. The real world is forgotten about.

And I saw someone attractive on Saturday. I commented … well wrote about it. Her friend tried to set us up. My friends told me that I should have spoken to her. But I did not talk to her — cowardice and conscience to thank and blame. Also because the girl I went on a couple dates with (via OkCupid) is great. I mention this.

This is living the single life.

There is no need to further beat the dead horse. However, my writing is not going to be hindered or censored. I’d like to get recognized for my writing. I hope it takes me somewhere. Integrity is integrity. Passion is passion. It’s my job to pursue this, to see this talent — if is should be designated as one — through. Hearts will be broken. Minds will be infuriated. I lost 10 followers because I shit on NaNoWriMo.

And should I receive negative feedback: I’m doing something right.

 

 

 

 

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What’s Behind You?

There is a curiosity to figure out how much weight can be carried. The responsibility, the baggage, the dwelling … All of it adds up to a stress that seems to linger and lag behind. Even the great aspects of life can take their tolls and join, add to the negativity and stress, because great aspects are shot for and anticipated and enjoyed. Not being able to have these joys, simple or elaborate as they are, yields disappointment.

All of this can add up to the jackass self, the part of a person that laughs (often maniacally) during experiences of both pain and pleasure. Sometimes this takes the form of a person and sometimes this takes the form of a shadow; regardless, it’s all metaphorical or figurative or hypothetical.

And while you’re going through this bout of What the fuck?, everyone else is not. Well, they might be, but they cover the duress up quite well. And you do, too. There are always others in your position, and maybe others is everyone.

Today at the Syracuse New Times, I wrote about being shy. I also wrote about priorities. And I eluded to priorities often getting the best of a person. What exactly is the right thing? Ignoring a chance at a possible interest wasn’t the brightest move. However, in turn, ignoring the main reason I was at the pub — my friend’s party — would have equally been as terrible. I don’t know this girl in the floral print shirt, but I do know my friends. Due to the majority of the group knowing me, they knew I could hold my own, and so skipping out on 10 to 15 minutes of the party wouldn’t have been a horrible thing; any given day, they would have encouraged me to talk to her. However, meeting someone for the first time and striking up conversation, especially if an interest is blatant and reciprocated, 10 to 15 minutes is not good enough; effectively meeting someone for a first time needs a 30 to 45 minute conversation, in my opinion. Time would get lost, and the next thing would be: getting another drink and sharing more conversation with the young woman.

Time always is lost track of.

Pretty, shy girls. They’re essentially catches to me, because I (can try to) understand where they’re coming from. I’ll say it again: this girl was pretty, and I blew it. First impressions have not been my thing lately.

Saturday was a prime example of a damned-if-you-do-and-damned-if-you-don’t situation. I could have missed out on love, but I could have pissed off friends at the same time and with a different decision.

Those forks in the road, I tell ya.

In terms of the OkCupid match/date. She’s a great girl when it comes down to it. It’s still too early in the relationship to get jealous or huffy puffy about talking to others. That’s what’s up with online dating: you’re talking to many people until something gets solidified. She’s talking to others as well, and who she is talking to or what she does is frankly none of my business. I’m in that same position as she is. Should she get a little irritated, she has right to do so; however, flying off the handle would not be an appropriate course of action on either end.

I’m just an open book; ergo, the writing.

She has right to cut if off, and I would be as well. I’d pray not, considering I enjoy spending time with her. But how she thinks is not my decision. I’m definitely anticipating the next time we hang out.

[This post is inspired by “The Cart Before the Horses” by Bruce McCall, the cover of the April 28, 2014, edition of The New Yorker.]

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I’d Like to Buy a Vow

So, I’ve changed my mind. Let’s talk about the dream my mom had and enlightened me with a few days ago. I came to the decision of using this story now, because it’s quick. I spent some time at the ledge of this November Challenge, and there was great consideration of just stopping. Life is hectic, and the overwhelming feeling is really draining me.

Mom was really excited to tell me immediately that she had a dream that I got a job. It wasn’t a full-time gig just yet, but she let me know it was another additive to put to the list of my freelancing services.

Vow writing.

She told me that Dream Chris was excited to tell her about it, and that he had clients already lined up.

Could you imagine that? Me writing other people’s vows? It makes sense, but it would still be strange. I’d have to meet with each individual on separate occasions to find out more about them, their partner, and why they love each other.

There is certainty that some clients will realize that they are able to actually write their own vows after meeting with them, and this means I can offer a consulting package instead of a full-blown vow writing service.

I’m sure I’d get punched in the face for letting a guy know how wonderful his soon-to-be-wife is, because I’d be romantic about the writing. If he isn’t down with that, he’ll just have to deal. This isn’t about cuckolding him, but I can see where a jealous mind could overreact.

Need an outsider to tell you how wonderful your relationship is? I’m your man, your Syracuse vow writer.

It wouldn’t be a terrible duty, to be honest. I feel that there are a lot of awful cards out there. Although my preference leans to purchasing blank cards, I feel that I could create a card line with a little bit more originality in the pre-written messages. Hmm …

Well, let’s see how life pans out. I can’t take on too many duties at this moment, but at least ideas are being considered.